Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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