Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
