This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
