If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
