Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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