I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
