in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
