Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
