I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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