im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
