Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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