I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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