oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
