Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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