She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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