ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
