Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
