ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
