Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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