The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
