We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We need a shit load of segways right now
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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