1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I looked at my own cervix.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
