I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
