remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
