I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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