Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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