I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
