while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
