he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
