Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Randomize
