sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
