Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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