I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
