I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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