If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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