Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize