the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
