It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
