I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
