I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
