please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Randomize
