I am puke
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
