He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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