fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize