Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
