I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
