you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
