Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
