I met the friendliest cop last night
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
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