I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
