maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
