I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
