Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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