When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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