Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
