When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
