I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
