the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
