fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
