just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
