oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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