This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
