I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
