That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
