this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
